Inside my head

93 Depression Quotes (with Images) - Quotes about Depression | HealthShire.com

Once upon a time I had a dream.  My dream was to become a successful attorney.  I started thinking that way when I was very young.  I made my way through college, still wanting to become an attorney.  Finished my four-year degree in Criminal Justice; took the Law School Admission Test (LSAT)…and waited.  While I waited for the results of the LSAT, I was troubled by the break-up of a five-year long relationship.  During my last semester, I, out of the blue took the ASVAB. While waiting for the results of the LSAT…the person, whom I spent 5 years of my life with…was getting married to someone else and they were expecting a baby.  It was, what I thought, my lowest low.  I did not score good enough in the LSAT, to be accepted into law school.  It was not a big deal for me, because I had a plan B.  Instead of taking the LSAT one more time, I decided to leave the island.  I joined the ARMY….I needed to put land in between my ex and me.  I was so crazy in love (or so I thought) with that man, I knew that if I stayed in the island, whether he was married or not, we would hook up again.  I did not want that for me, so I left.

As soon as I landed in the US, I was like in a whole new world.  I concentrated in completing my training and repairing my heart.  I still, had the “becoming a lawyer” thing in my head.  But, God works in mysterious ways…after finishing my training and being assigned to my duty station, I met this guy, and we now have two kids.  Another curve, I did not want to get married, after getting my heart broken, been with someone was the last thing on my list, let along get married.  But, I did, and we are still together…through thick and thin…we are making it work.  In the meantime, my dreams of becoming a lawyer subsided, I worked with various attorney…for some reason…all the jobs I’ve held…involved dealing with attorneys.  After working around attorneys when I was a police officer and a probation officer I became disgusted with that profession.  I realized that so many people study law because it was a good pay check.  That was the turn off for me…so; becoming an attorney is no longer a dream for me. I still think about it at times, but it’s not something I want anymore.

Today I am a stay-at-home mom.  Every family member loves the fact that I am home.  It seems that when I pray that I get a job, my husband and children pray that I don’t get one.  We are sending confusing messages to the Almighty.  Today, although it hurts, I am not concerned about obtaining a job.  If it’s meant to happen it will happen…and if it’s not…they so be it.  I find myself, trying to learn to accept my destiny.  My mind, body and soul tell me different. If I was to listen to my body, heart and soul I would be breaking my husband’s and children’s heart. So, why hurt who you love the most…why cause any drama? Isn’t it better to just go ahead and sacrifice your wants and needs for the sake of the ones you love? I don’t see it any other way. Reality is, I stay so busy running the kids around, cleaning and cooking…that I can only imagine the stress of adding a full-time job to my already busy life.  Yeah, I can “fix” my head that way…but I know better.

Staying at home is also a pain in the butt, because I can play games on Facebook ALL DAY LONG…and I don’t want to do that.  To tell you the truth, I am getting tired of social media, yes I said that.  I am thinking about taking a break from it…at least from checking it all the time and posting stuff.  It is so easy to get carried away…especially for me…I have all my family back home who stays up to date with my kids adventures because of all the photos I post on FB.  That is the only thing that keeps me from closing my accounts. We’ll see what happens with that.

I think that is all for this post.  As I write this, I realized that I can write so much more, if I break down every single paragraph on this post…I could probably have 5-6 additional posts.  So, let me stop it now.

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